Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"Operation Love-In" part 1: Diary of an angry driver

Operation Love-In is something that came to me in my sleep on my ride yesterday.  It will be a something-part series.  By the end of it, the roads will be full of relaxed, happy and loving commuters who give way and are understanding.

So, I don't really know where all this will end but I do know where it begins; right here at part 1: Diary of an angry driver.

12th April, 2011

Dear diary,

Today, it is raining and cold and I am very angry.  RRAAAHHHHH!!!!!
I am angry because of cyclists.  I hate them.  They are ruining my life.  Let me give you an example;  today, I was driving to work, and there was a red light.  And do you know what happened, diary, do you?  I saw a cyclist ride THROUGH the red light.  Right through it, as if it were GREEN!  Why do ALL cyclists ride through red lights?  They think they own the roads.  RRAAAHHHHH!!!!!  I am so angry.

And then, I was turning left, and a cyclist just CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!  I nearly hit the stupid cyclist.  Cyclists always come out of nowhere.  They're so UNPREDICTABLE.  

Then I saw a cyclist who wasn't wearing a helmet.  He had some sort of DEATH WISH.  Cyclists never  wear helmets.  They think the rules don't apply to them.  They are ACTIVISTS.  And they are SOCIALISTS.  They wear funny clothes; skinny jeans and lycra.  And they smell.  

I am so angry right now!

Some of them don't even have brakes.  This is so it's impossible to stop which in turn is designed to make drivers ANGRY!  What other reason could there possibly be for foregoing brakes?  There isn't one.  Cyclists' sole purpose in life is to make drivers angry.  They're not actually going anywhere.  THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE JOBS!  They are funded by some underground lefty think-tank who has it in their socialist pinky brains that cars are bad.  BUT THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD CARS!  RRAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Anyway, diary, I have a solution to this EPIDEMIC.  We must simply shoot a couple of cyclists.  Line a few up on a busy bike lane and pop a cap in their lycra-clad arses/asses (this is an international blog).  Sure, there will be a minor uproar but is it not worthwhile to sacrifice a few to save many?  Of course it is.  In no time this scourge will be eradicated from our society.  Cyclists will pedal back to the hole they came from and return to being what they were before; bums, vagrants and parking-inspectors.  Sure, these things aren't great, but they're better than the alternative, which is what we've got now.

Did I mention that I am angry?  I might go for a drive now to relax a bit.

Click here for part 2.

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