Thursday, April 14, 2011

"Operation Love-In" part 2: Diary of an angry and sanctimonious cyclist

This is part 2 of a something-part series. You should read part 1: Diary of an angry driver first.

14th April, 2011

Dear diary,

Today is a crap and day I am so angry. AARRRGGGHHH!!

I am angry because of drivers. I hate them. They are evil. Let me give you an example; today, I was doing my bit to to save the world by riding to work when a driver pulled out in front of me. I had to slam on my brakes. DRIVERS NEVER LOOK. THEY ARE ALL BLIND. We may as well be invisible to them. THEY THINK THEY OWN THE ROADS! AARRRGGGHHH!! I am so angry.

Drivers are evil. They drive petrol-guzzling tanks that pollute the world. They are killing us as I write. I am so angry.

All drivers are CEOs of multi-national companies that get African babies hooked on milk formula and pump chemicals into the drinking water. They don't care about anyone except themselves. What other explanation could there be for DRIVING A CAR???

I bet when they get home, they alight their evil, four-wheeled behemoth and go inside to eat puppies and kittens.

Yesterday when I was riding, a driver went around another driver and CAME INTO THE BIKE LANE!! That's my lane, driver! Get out! I had to slow down! I felt like I'd been violated. That driver had rolled his dirty, filthy, fat tyres into MY LANE. And, speaking of fat, ALL DRIVERS ARE FAT BECAUSE THEY NEVER EXERCISE!! I am so angry!!!

When I ride, I shouldn't have to stop for anything. It is my right as a cyclist and a human being. Nothing should get in my way, nothing should alter my course. It is very important that I get where I am going as quickly as possible. Why should I have to slow down for other people? If I am hindered, the world will not be as good as before. I am completely within my right to get extremely angry if anything, ever, gets in my way...ever!

Cars always get in my way. They are the scourge of our society. AND THEY NEVER LOOK! None of them. AARRRGGGHHH!! There is only one solution to this pandemic. A new city must be founded that is just for cars. All the drivers can live there in their polluted, jammed, grey hovel. This will leave us pure cyclists to live out our days in safety and peace. There is no other way!

Thank you for listening diary. I know you understand.

Click here for part 3.


  1. Laurence you are amazing. These were hilarious.

    I think the interesting thing is that though these are two competing angry views, they're both so similarly self-interested, and there are actually some people in the world who manage to have BOTH of these personalities, and both think they're entirely acceptable depending on whether they're driving or riding in a particular given moment. Ahhhh human beings, what a loveable bunch.

    Cheers, Tinka

  2. I hear you Tinka. I must admit, I know what you say to be true because, at times, I have been elements of BOTH these people. It is partly from observing myself that I realise how ridiculous it is...and I am.

    From here, we can heal the world...make it a better place...for bicycles and for cars and the entire rat race...

  3. Nice switcheroo, Laurence. Makes ya think.

  4. Thanks Chris. I think it's all too easy to get self-righteous when on the road. Everyone just needs to relax a little...