Monday, October 17, 2016

I'm a human. This is why I hate other humans.

Homosapienness is a great way to exist in the world. They can eat whatever they want and watch porn. But something about their opposable thumbs and ability to record information brings out the sanctimonious populist in too many humans. Here are their most annoying habits:

Selfish life endangerers. You know the ones. They don’t think about others and go about their days risking people’s lives. Some drive too fast or go through red lights. Others read their texts while at the wheel. Save it for the other animals, dude.

Queue jumpers. Coles, Sunday, 5.30pm – you’re part of a solid stream of shoppers waiting at the express checkout. But that won’t stop some avoiding eye contact and skipping to the front (one day I’ll whip up the courage to say something). A look of contrition at least? You must be kidding.

Murderers. You’re minding your own business having a shower and getting to the crescendo of ‘I Will Always Love You’. Then some guy dressed as a clown stabs you eighteen times. What’s with that?

Complex coffee orderers. You enter your favourite laneway café to be subjected to someone ordering a large soy decaf matcha mocha macchiato. Seriously, these people should be locked up. Where do they get off?

Espresso wankers. Hipsters who only drink single origin coffee from artisanal micro-roasters. To them, anyone who has milk in their coffee is a lesser being. Get in some looser jeans and maybe you’ll be less uptight, bro.

Rich people who also seem to be nice. They have their Porsches and their fancy trips overseas. That should be enough, right? Wrong. They’re also friendly, have healthy relationships and enjoy exercise.

Bad writers who peddle click-bait. They write for Fairfax Media and News Corp and produce C-grade content that propagates and encourages bigotry and narrowmindedness. They generally write anti-cycling articles and, in their spare time, strangle puppies. On top of that, they can’t conjugate their verbs correctly (see ‘swerve’ under ‘Balancing act’).